Atlanta Small Pleasures #2

I walk over this piece of sidewalk about 15 times a week. You know when you're a kid and you've got that piece of wet cement in front of you, and you only have like 10 seconds to think of something good to write? Why not create an eternal tribute to the pimpest of all desserts?

P.S. Pudding is 4 bitches.

a list of holiday favorites

this christmas was special for so many reasons. here are just a few.

1) microwavable hand warmers

2) porcelain coffee cup with rubber lid that looks like a real coffee cup!

3) 6-in-1 flashlight/end of days survival tool.

4) bag of pistachios

5) candle that smells of mahogany

these are actual stocking stuffers and i love every one of them. 

a holiday exchange

here is an email thread between friends recalling stories from our favorite time of year.

From: Friend1 [mailto:ez@hotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, December 01, 2005 2:24 PM
To: Friend2
Subject: RE: pork stuffing Original Message

By the way, here's what you said about last year's Christmas party("Classic Sack" -your comeback record):

"we've got our office party today. southern comfort and egg nog. nog gobbler. did we have an egg nog joke in boston? we had a dimebag joke too right?who is dimebag darrell?
i'm gonna get hammered in the hour long party we have. just start drinking soco from the bottle. then i'll take the angel off the tree and hold a lighter up to it. then i'll stumble backwards into the tree and knock it over falling on top of it. then, clumsily i'll get up without saying a word, hit the elevator button and leave sobbing quietly".

From: Friend2 sk@cc.com
To: Friend1 ">ez@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: pork stuffing
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 2005 14:29:39 -0500

oh man, that's funny shit. and yes "classic sack" is totally my greatest hits album. who the fuck is dimebag darrell? i especially like the lighting the angel on fire part. this year i'll try to swallow it while it's on fire and just burn the shit out of my mouth. then i'll try and cool it down with soco, only to cause it to hurt worse. transcribing shit is the worst. i tried to do that for about 5 mintues and gave up. do you have an office party? i can't wait to hear what you plan on doing at it.
deck my balls, d

From: Friend1 [mailto:ez@hotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, December 01, 2005 2:39 PM
To: Friend2
Subject: RE: pork stuffing

Dimebag Darrell is that guy from Pantera who was gunned down on stage by one of his "fans." It happened last year around Christmas and the only reason I remember that is because I was joking about it at Christmas and my brother got all serious and said, "Dude, that's not funny," and everyone in the oom got really quiet. And then we all burst out laughing simultaneously. I have not one but THREE Christmas parties to go to! The big one is the all-HBS party. I'm going to get hammered on cheap chardonay and then get up and start performing fellatio on one of the ice swans. Then I'm going to walk down the long buffet table and just start kicking each plate off in succession. Then I'll jump up, do a flip in the air on my way to the ground, fall, sprain my ankle and have to be carried out. But not before dry humping the dean. So my friend's birthday is this weekend and this is where we're all meetingup:
http://www.gypsybarboston.com/ I'm really, really scared.

From: "Friend2" sk@cc.com
To: Friend1 >ez@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: pork stuffing
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 2005 14:45:12 -0500
holy shit that's hilarious. both the party description and the bar. you're
totally gonna be in a picture like the one on the home page with a bunch of drunk ass blonde whores. all coked up and pounding the fuck out of apple martinis. the ankle sprain is classic. when you dry hump the dean you also need to pretend like you think he's an ice sculpture and start trying to give him head. be all "hey everyone! watch me suck the dick off this frigid piece of ice! it's awesome!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

way into jesus

there's this guy that rides the 45 bus every morning. he wears the same clothes every day. walking sneakers. well tapered blue jeans.

a blue and green wind breaker that he cautiously zips at the bottom. 

it billows nicely.

and his hair is thoughtfully groomed. he must take a comb through it in the morning.

he has a perfectly straight brow line. you could balance a level on it.

he doesn't sit down though. he just stands next to the driver and starts to talk jesus. like end of days shit. 

he's not aggressive. he just stands there casually talking about the end times as if he's recounting a story of having to return his hair gel to CVS. tuesday it was all about the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. 

then wednesday he did something really nice.

a girl got off the bus at inman middle school. she dropped something so he got off the bus and called out to her. i thought he was about to go rapture on her ass. instead he just handed her what she dropped and i thought, maybe this dude isn't so bad.

then i thought again, and concluded no; this dude is clearly insane.

the gayest thing i've ever caught myself saying

"The smell of Jasmine reminds me of Tuscany."

Atlanta Small Pleasures #1

Star Provisions is the one place in Atlanta where I get to rub elbows with wealthy stay-at-home-wives. Yesterday I happened upon a gaggle of them there, browsing for fineries. The great thing about America is that, to my knowledge, there is no law that expressly prohibits me from crop dusting rich people. Which I did. With every last inch of my fanny hole.

seasons greetings from pod three!

dear coworkers,

well, what a year it's been. can you believe that '09 is right around the corner?! i haven't even started my '08 resolutions! ;) everyone is pod three is doing well and we couldn't ask for anything more. of course we've been spending too much time at the printer north2, waiting on RFP's to print, but who doesn't have that problem?:) micah has been busy as ever pouring over contracts, getting another set of eyes on the project delivery system and of course preparing for the auditors, but he's taking it all in stride.

louie and preston are up to no good as usual. you should have seen the look on dennis' face when he did a QA/QC on their last deliverable! but everything has worked out fine. it passed the client's muster in the end. now we just need to get that ad-service money! 

as for me, i've been blessed. there's plenty of back-log and we nailing our profit margin, which is good news in this business climate, am i right? 

i still can't believe that IT dude upper decked the men's room.

have a blessed holiday season from us all, 

drew, preston, louie and micah.

some more bests

Best reason to be forced to delete your blog: you write something mean-spirited about a local mime, he Googles his own name and finds it and then enlists an arsenal of fellow puppet masters and “performers” and they begin a series of personal attacks and harassment. Rather than deal with the futility of fending them off, you just delete the whole thing and start over under an unrecognizable pseudonym.

Best question asked in a job interview: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how clean are you?”

Best way to ensure that you’ll have a shitty day: Take the Montreal Metro to work. Sit next to a woman with Tourette’s. Wait for the train to break down and sit motionless for at least 10 minutes. (Hopefully you’re wearing your down parka and boots because there’s hot recirculated air being pumped from a vent in the ceiling of the car.) Then inhale as several of your fellow riders proceed to gorge themselves on Sausage McMuffins.

Best cookie ever created: Girl Scout Samoas

Best thing a guy has ever said to you in the middle of the night when you wake up with a stomach ache: “Do you have to take a crap?”

i have a great costume idea

i know it's last minute, but i think i have an awesome idea for a halloween costume. pep this, last winter i went to telluride and had NO GEAR, so i bought a whole fucking outfit! i was totally into it, so i decided to splurge on a helmet and boots too. besides, i know i'm gonna use them all the time, so i figured it was a pretty good investment. so check it, i'm going as a downhill skier! it's gonna be amazing. it'll only take me a couple minutes to get ready and i'm so used to walking around in ski boots from spring break, that it'll totally be no prob. first of all, chicks are seriously into dudes who ski. fuck snowboarding, skiing is way hard. plus, once they see that i dropped five hundo on this North Face jacket and another two hundred on this Smith helmet, they'll know i don't mind spending a little flow to get what i want, right? i'm gonna get fucking plastered. and did i mention laid? tail grazin' in these boots will be smooth as hell. one big stomp at a time. and i'm definitely keeping my helmet on the whole time. i need to look dedicated to this shit. damn, even busting out my goggles and acting mysterious when i'm scopin' tang! didn't even think of that! yeah, i'm pretty sure this night is gonna end well. really well.

My first post will kick your ass.

This is super old but still good for a laugh.

Favorite part: "During this beating I may damage one or more of your household items, if I have to break glass to get into your home or knock over furniture if you attempt to run from me. This should be expected by you, and covered in my expenses. If you are married or have children, I may choose to slap around your family a little bit, but only if I'm feeling particularly generous. They should be informed of this, and expect it as well."

my list of bests

Best Sketchy Place to Hang Out: The intersection of North Ave and Boulevard (NE corner). The corner is totally unlit and sits next to an vacant parcel with an empty Payless Shoe Store. The six lanes you have to cross are life threatening, a total rush and winding up on that corner alone is a sense of freedom and imminent danger that you'll never experience any where else. 

Best Way to Become Disoriented and Mildly Freaked Out: Get on the wrong MARTA bus which has a similar route home to your normal bus. Then when it takes a turn where it shouldn't the freak out begins! And you know where you end up? That's right, North Ave and Boulevard. I speak from experience. This happened to me last night and thank god for my bro, John, who happened to be nearby. But damn, if those brief few minutes weren't a totally hot rush. 

Best Thing that I Could Make You For Dinner: Once I get a kitchen table, you're totally welcome to eat with me. 

Best Way to Confuse Your Co-workers: Red turtlenecks and Boss cologne.

Best Way to Gross Out a Woman: Eat a shit-load of wings

Best Parting Expression from Some Dude You Just Met: "Stay Fierce"

my first post (please don't let it be lame)

my first attempt at blogging. hopefully things will improve from here on out, but be patient and be forewarned that this may completely blow your mind. 

should i make a concerted attempt at a theme? is there really any theme out there that warrants in depth exploration by a novice of most things? maybe, but for starters, just straight up blogging, bitch. can you handle it? most likely you can. i have blind faith in all of you to be able to handle a bunch of serious shit that's gonna be coming your way. don't be afraid to bow up to it! you've got nothing to lose, friends. so hold on to something stable like a nice chest of drawers or a tight pinch on some wainscoting. wear a helmet. hold your breath. exhale. have a bite of this incredible satay that we just made...and say thank you.